the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
