i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's shark week go big or go home
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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