Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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