...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i think i just lost a toe
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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