My room smells like vodka and shame
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My vagina is very pro this idea
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
