apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
