I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
