He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
