In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
