I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
