Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
