fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I party with great urgency now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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