My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
