I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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