She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
