life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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