Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Help. Why am I so naked?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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