omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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