dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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