i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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