yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
