I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
