you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
