rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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