I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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