Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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