the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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