i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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