I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
