this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
