i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i love accidental penises.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
