If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
