dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
