i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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