so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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