I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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