Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
