so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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