You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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