My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
