Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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