So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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