Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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