he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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