grandma shit on top of the toilet
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
