I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
