I accidentally had phone sex last night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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