Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
