i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
