i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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